the zhaf speaks

Monday, September 25, 2006:

Looking back in retrospect, at the foibles of the past weeks, I am intensely disgusted with myself. Talking over the phone with my upperstudy and being reprimanded, I came to realize the extent to which I had been buffooning around like a spoilt brat of an ingrate, the startling extent to which I had allowed myself to slip into such abject mindlessness.

No Ching, I have not been living up to my potential. And it matters to me that I have not done my job completely. It is an embarassment to see the face in the mirror, knowing how I've let you and myself down. I can't apologize enough, and I owe you too much to be tying you down with work unnecessarily.

It is true, how we do one thing, is how we do anything. How I've been doing everything leaves great room for improvement. That my actions henceforth provide sufficient recompense for the blunders of the days behind us.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 5:24 am

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Sunday, September 24, 2006:

And just like that, we're through with 13 weeks in 1 Guards. This leaves an unsavoury balance of 63 weeks to ORD. GODDAMMUTHAFCUKINSHYT. Upcoming attractions include field pack inspection, inclusive of webbing and helmet.

The correspondence degree is finally on the road, and thus end ambitions of getting rich from teaching violin or otherwise - dashed below on the rocky shoreline of scant free time and haphazard chronological organisation. My bank account is dead. Long live my bank account.

Will we ever attain greatness in cue sports? Will we go for insanely long movie marathons ever again? Will we ever learn to strum the guitar or dance hip-hop? Nebulous questions these are.

No question about it though, I will finish my correspondence degree next June, and I will enrol in a graduate medical program come 2008. Time for struggle and toil, we shall savour sweet, succulent, triumphant victory in due course.

And here we are, half a year from 21, with much catching up to do with the ideals etched in my head and heart.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 9:44 am

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Friday, September 15, 2006:

And it would be all for naught, if we didn't follow through with this to the bloody end.

I'm finally (or will be, once medical boarded) C1L3, something I should have been given years ago. Now it remains to be seen if superiors will follow manpower guidelines to the T and post me out, or if they'll warp the rules as they see fit, to keep me languishing here. Once again, we venture into the unknown.

Then again, the case assembled for posting out is reasonably solid, and in accordance with guidelines. So while I'm excused outfield, the urban warfare continues. Cold, ruthless, tactical.

It's been awhile since I've gone through the day with complete peace of mind, without having to contemplate the various perils of being where I am, without external forces constantly trying to sabotage my individual hegemony - my ambitions and aspirations.

Life now - a blur passing by surprisingly quickly. But it feels hollow and empty, bereft of significance and meaning, devoid of passion. The surreality of it now leaves an aftertaste sometimes more bitter than the days in sispec.

So I will be grateful for the good - the trips to the stadium, the work on the weekends, watching movies during stadium guard duty, the cute NDP ushers, most of all the great friends who have taught me much, and sustained me through it all.

It will all feel real someday, soon. No more wistful illusions disappearing into the night. One day these ethereal dreams will be seen, touched, felt, heard, tasted, exalted in.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 4:03 am

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